"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
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