i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
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