some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
Ryan Reynolds porn could be a WMD. Have a giant TV on the front of your tank, and just drive around playing it. Everyone dies of orgasm overload.
That's it. Iraq is done. Everyone dies, game over man.
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
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