The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
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