when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
Hilbilly word of the day is cedar, example....I knowed she ain\'t got no panties on cuz I cedar cooter.
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
Randomize
