Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
Randomize
