highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
I've hit an all time low I just sent a boob pict to fat Randall the one I gave a partial bj to a year a a half ago
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
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