The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
Randomize
