and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
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