I'm sorry my penis didn't work
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
Come share oat with me in your robe
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
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