I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
I just gargled with NyQuil
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
