please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
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