I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
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