she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
Randomize
