Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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