How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
