he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
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