My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
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