I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
WHY DIDN'T ANYON E TELL ME SHE WAS SIXTEEN
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
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