ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize