Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
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