I heard you aren't going to graduate...that suck sorry bro
I heard your girlfriend is trying to spread swine flu because she wants to wear one of those masks to cover up her broke ass teeth
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
Randomize
