youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I am not speculating about which disney princesses do and do not have gag reflexes
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
Randomize
