its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
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