Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
just played fuck the dealer and thunderstruck with my physics ta. he is the third ta that i have drank with this semester, i think i'm getting good at college
Randomize
