My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
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