I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
Just had another dream about being on Real Chance of Love. I think it's a sign.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
Randomize
