my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Watched twin sisters make out thought it was amazing sick on their part but legit to watch
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
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