I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
I feel like a drive thru vagina
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
