I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
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