Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
the next morning we realized we didnt speak the same language... guess i subconsciously did learn a little german last semester. thanks study abroad.
ah the experiences a semester in Vienna can give you. Frau would enjoy knowing that even while sleeping during class you still managed to learn enough german to get laid
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
