I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
No offense but you kinda look like a Jack Johnson fan in that pic
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
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