Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
Randomize
