I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Randomize
