bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
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