if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
no where in the syllabus does it say "no alcoholic beverages allowed".
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
