headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
id say bad/good trip...at first I wanted to claw off my skin... but then when i tried i ended up tickling myself for an hour.
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
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