After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize