Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
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