Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
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