Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
Randomize
