Don't use my boy Weezy to support your whoreish tendencies.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
Randomize
