he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
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