i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
Randomize
