I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
