Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
So. Much. Porn.
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