My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
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