I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
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