i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
