Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Randomize
