I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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