hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
Randomize
