You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
