you traded sex for a burrito?
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
Randomize
