Dude, my boy c***** and I hooked up with Asian sisters last night in the same room
Then I put on blue by Eiffel 65 and security showed up and yelled at us for being too loud. Also, they stopped fucking because no one can fuck to eiffel 65
Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
Randomize
