you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
did i just pee glitter
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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