next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
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